Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
My vagina just recognized that song.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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