your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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