not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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