my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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