You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
