Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
