make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
