I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
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Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
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Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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