If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
