I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
