in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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