Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
