if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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