New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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