Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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