I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
