I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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