My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
