Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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