Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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