you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
