On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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