I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
