I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Even the bartender felt bad for me
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Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
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You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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