I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
