I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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