Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
