Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
