im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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