i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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