that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
