I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
