A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
