Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
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