I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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