She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
