my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
