Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
