She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
