____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
