and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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