I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
i think i just lost a toe
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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