I didn't shave. On purpose
I will die if light touches me.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
he fucked my hip out of place.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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