i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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