I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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