Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
