THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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