I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
