Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
