just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
40s are totally the cure
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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