I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
