Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
