i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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