don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
its liver damage thursday
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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