I wish my penis had an off switch
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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